The man who taught his asshole to talk

"Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike anything I had ever heard. This asshole talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell. This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventriliquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called The Better Ole that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, "Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?" "Nah I had to go relieve myself." After a while the asshole started talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his asshole would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time. Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and start eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him, "It is you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we dont need you around here any more. I can talk and eat AND shit." After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpoles tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have have amputated spontaneous - except for the EYES you dig. Thats one thing the asshole COULDN'T do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldnt give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes WENT OUT, and there was no more feeling in them than a crabs eyes on the end of a stalk."

Bill Lee, em Naked Lunch (1991)

Words of Advice for Young People

Well here are a few simple admonitions for young and old. / Never intefere in a boy-and-girl fight. / Beware of whores who say they don't want money. / The hell they don't. / What they mean is they want more money. Much more. / If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch, / Get it in writing. / His word isn't worth shit. / Not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal. // Words of advice for young people? / If, after having been exposed to someone's presence, / You feel as if you've lost a quart of plasma, / Avoid that presence. You need it like you need pernicious anemia. / We don't like to hear the word "vampire" around here; / We're trying to improve our public image. / Building a kindly, avuncular, benevolent image; / "Interdependence" is the keyword / "Enlightened interdependence" // Life in all its rich variety, take a little, leave a little. / However, by the inexorable logistics of the vampiric process / they always take more than they leave // Now some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain, / If you get that far. / Any old soul is worth saving, / At least to a priest, / But not every soul is worth buying. / So you can take the offer as a compliment. / He tries the easy ones first. / You know like money, / All the money there is. / But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetary? / Money won't buy. / Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps? / Getting too old to cut the mustard. // Well time hits the hardest blows. / Especially below the belt. / How's a young body grab you? / Like three card monte, like pea under the shell, / Now you see it, now you don't. / Haven't you forgotten something, gramps? / In order to feel something, / You've got to be there. / You have to be eighteen. / You're not eighteen. / You are seventy-eight. / Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on. / Words of advice for young people?